By JOHN BROWNING
CNHI
Rockwall County —
A judge friend of mine swears that the strangest lawsuits in his court always seem to happen in the summertime. I don’t know how much empirical evidence there is to back up this theory, but it does sometime seem like an upsurge in the “legally weird” takes place during the warmer months.
Just within the last few weeks, for example, we’ve witnessed an epidemic of bizarre bank robberies and attempted robberies. Around the country, bank robbers have conducted heists while wearing everything from Darth Vader masks to clown suits. Other stick-up artists have tried to obscure their appearance using everything from a bouquet of flowers to a set of Spanxx (the girdle-like ladies’ undergarment).
Few bank robbers, however, seem as poorly suited for a life of crime as Nathan Wayne Pugh of Sachse, Texas.
On July 26, the 49-year-old Pugh allegedly tried to rob a Wells Fargo Bank branch in Dallas. According to a federal criminal complaint, Pugh entered the bank holding a Whataburger bag and approached a teller, saying he wanted to make a “withdrawal.” When asked how much, Pugh reportedly passed her a note informing the teller that what he was holding was “not a bag of food,” but rather that it contained a “bom.”
(Helpful bank robber tip #1: Spelling counts.)
The note further directed the teller to put money into an envelope and not to “make any move till after I have left for ten minutes.” The quick-thinking teller told the alleged would-be stickup artist that she couldn’t give him any money without seeing his ID. Incredibly, Pugh provided his Wells Fargo debit card. When asked how much money he wanted, Pugh allegedly said two thousand dollars.
(Helpful bank robber hints #2 and #3 – Handing over your ID is likely to make your criminal career a short one, and the answer to the question of how much money you want is “all of it.”)
The teller then told Pugh that, for that amount, she needed a second form of identification.
Now, at this point, any self-respecting bank robber would’ve thought to himself, “Hey, this isn’t how it’s supposed to work” or perhaps “She doesn’t respect me for the budding criminal mastermind that I am. I’m outta here.” But not Nathan Wayne Pugh, who reportedly handed over his Texas-issued state identification card to the teller, who by now had pressed the silent alarm.
Noting the sudden appearance of uniformed Dallas police officers, Pugh belatedly realized that things had not gone according to plan. So, perhaps thinking that a hostage might make it easier to make his escape, Pugh walked over to a woman holding a small child and grabbed her from behind in a chokehold. At that point, the woman wrestled Pugh to the ground, enabling police to arrest him.
This leads me to my fourth and final helpful bank robber hint: work out, lift weights, do some cardio — do something so that you’re not wrestled to the ground by some soccer mom with a baby on her hip, making you a pathetic punchline for late night talk show hosts and guys like me. Show some pride, man!
It takes a certain amount of bravado — or stupidity — to try to pull off a bank robbery like that. It takes the same kind of bravado or stupidity to shoplift at a store, and then go for a job interview at that same store — wearing the very clothes you stole!
Yet that happened last month in Ontario, Canada. According to police in Toronto, a 40-year-old woman was caught on security videotape shoplifting several items of clothing. Store security later recognized the woman when she returned the next day — for a job interview. After the interview, she was seen allegedly taking several more items, and ran from the store when confronted, prompting management to call the cops.
The police had no problem finding and identifying
