CNHI
ROCKWALL COUNTY — (Editor’s note: Relay For Life, the signature fund-raising event for the American Cancer Society, is coming to Rockwall County April 30-May 1, 2010. Gerri Howell was a participant in Relay during her 21-month battle with cancer. Following are excerpts from her journal.)
A friend once told me that it’s interesting to compare a photograph of a cancer patient before and after their diagnosis, because the look in their eyes changes. I believe that’s true. Once you’ve gotten the diagnosis, you sort of lose your innocence. While we all know we’re subject to the same diseases, accidents, etc. that befall other folks, we don’t really believe they can happen to us. That’s not the case once you’ve been diagnosed with a serious illness. Not only CAN it happen to you, but it just DID. For better or worse, cancer patients have to look death in the eye. For us, death becomes more than an abstraction. It’s something we have to learn to live with.
My hair has begun to fall out, but that doesn’t bother me. The worst side effect is my lack of taste. I can’t taste much, but the thing that is most disconcerting is how awful some things taste…like chocolate. It’s bad enough when food tastes like cardboard, but ruining chocolate? I feel like the cancer is stealing little bits and pieces of me. It makes me profoundly sad.
I have thought about what I would want for my last dinner. They used to publish what condemned criminals ate for their last meals, and I would always think about what I would want. I would have chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes, fried okra, yeast rolls, sweet tea, and peach cobbler.
I’ve been feeling vaguely angry lately. I’m not sure why. I watched several shows on cancer research. They always stress how so many cancers can be prevented, because they’re caused by lifestyle choices. I know that’s true, but I’m still slightly peeved. I guess I want an acknowledgement that some cancer comes just by crummy luck. People don’t attract it from the universe by their behavior. Tobacco isn’t a factor. It’s just lousy luck…like being in a building when an idiot decides to spray it with bullets or fly an airplane into it. Cancer isn’t fair. Life isn’t fair. We don’t understand why some things happen, they just do. We just don’t have all the answers, and we never will.
Sometimes at night when I’m making sure all the doors in our house are locked, I think about the fact that I’m locking the real enemy in with me. It’s ironic that my biggest threat can’t be stopped by locks and alarms. I can’t run away from my enemy, because it’s a part of me.
However, our greatest enemy is not disease, but despair. If cancer has invaded your life, refuse to let it touch your spirit. Reality has to be dealt with, but if you just stay home and dwell on your illness, you aren’t living…you’re dying.
I see great promise in a beautiful spring day. I think when you’re facing a potentially fatal disease, rebirth is especially heartwarming. Seeing things that have looked dead come back to life is quite inspiring. There are so many things we can’t know or comprehend, but we all understand a “dead”” tree putting leaves back on.
I feel like I’ve led a charmed life, however, every life has its ups and downs. No one gets out of here without bumps and bruises. If we’re lucky, our joys outnumber our sorrows. I’m definitely one of the lucky ones. My biggest hero is my husband Mike. We’ve been married for 27 years, and this has been especially hard on him. Not only does he have to watch someone he loves sick and in pain, but he’s having to function without his partner. Since I’ve been sick, I’ve watched so much TV. There is a show on called “Bridezillas”. I can hardly watch it, because of the horrible behavior of the brides and the way they get so caught up in their weddings. I really would like to sit down with each of those young women. I want to tell them that the man standing next to them may someday have to hold their hand at the oncologist’s office. He may have to reassure his bride that he doesn’t mind getting up in the middle of the night to clean the carpet, because her anti-nausea medicine wore off, and she couldn’t make it to the bathroom. Would he be willing to drive to the nearest store well past 10:00 at night, because her chemo is making her sick, but she thinks she might be able to keep down red Jello?
Cancer has actually given me a gift that I discovered while on our family vacation. Prior to my diagnosis, I was a very, very busy woman. After all, I have three sons and a full time job. Even while on vacation, I was usually going. This vacation, I had a lot of time to just sit. I got up every morning before anyone else. I sat on our balcony on Galveston and watched the waves. I sat on the banks of the Guadalupe and watched the birds and squirrels. Contemplation is really good for the soul. We all need to slow down every once in a while. Before getting sick, a vacation was just a change of scenery. I never really rested. I guess it took cancer to teach me the wisdom of doing so.
I know that everyone of you has been touched by cancer. Each one of us has lost a family member or a friend to this dreadful disease. Cancer doesn’t respect age, status, background or health. They used to say in the Old West that the Colt 45 was a great equalizer. Well, unfortunately, so is cancer.
I have to tell you, I am uncomfortable when people tell me I am an inspiration. I just do what I have to do. You would do the same, because there is no choice. I didn’t choose this situation, and I wish things were different, but they’re not. I fight on because I have to, not because I want to. I’m a normal person facing a nasty disease.
When you live in Cancer World, everyone talks about their prognosis. Some docs will even give their best estimate of the time you have left. However, the game is decided on the field. Underdogs do rise up and defeat the undefeated. That’s why we play the game, and you’ve got to play the game to win. Cancer is a formidable opponent, and it doesn’t give up easily. I may be the underdog, but I’m strong, and I NEVER give up.
When our bodies finally give out after fighting, we die. However, the cancer dies, too. We take it with us. I believe, however, that our spirit goes on. The cancer can’t kill that. Our bodies kill the cancer when it dies. Therefore, we go on, and it doesn’t. In other words, we win!
Rockwall County’s Relay For Life will be held April 30-May 1, 2010 at Cain Middle School. For more information, contact Carla Brooks at 972-771-8139 or relayforliferockwallcounty@gmail.com.
I’m asking you to learn from my experience. This year, how about you resolve to take better care of yourself? I don’t know if that means scheduling an overdue mammogram, stirring off the couch every once in a while, or quitting some unhealthy habit. No one expects cancer.
There won’t be just one silver bullet to cure all cancers. It’s going to take a lot of time, effort, and most of all, money to find the many silver bullets out there.
A friend gave me a card that read, “Cancer is so limited. It cannot cripple love, shatter hope, corrode faith, destroy confidence, kill friendship, shut out memories, silence courage, invade the soul, destroy peace, quench the spirit, lessen the power of the resurrection or steal eternal life.”
The Marathon reminded me of Gerri in so many ways. Many runners start the race and many do finish. Some start the race but during the race they come across obstacles and pain that might slow them down or even stop them from finishing the actual course.
No matter whether they finish the race or not, they are winner. Very few of us would ever take on 26 miles of running at one time. Sometime we are given a race without asking for it. I think Gerri started her race and finished it with all her hard and soul. She had everything to race for but obstacles came into play that few, if any, would overcome. She still won, because she gave it her all and kept her spirit and faith strength throughout the entire race no matter how it finally finished.
